Help! I’ve got my foot stuck in my mouth!
April 2, 2006
Over a lifetime, every single human will have more than 15 billion individual microbes of bacteria inside their mouth, more than there are people on this planet. White people often have good reasons to mistrust scientists, which they can’t be blamed for, it seems to be agreed by most that a mouth can develop 700 different species of bacteria in a lifetime and will always have at least 34 to 72 actives ones. No matter how much you wash your mouth out, it is quite simply a self-contained ecosystem where a city of living things passes the time multiplying, dying, eating and you guessed it, going to the bathroom. Kinda brings a whole new meaning to the term “potty mouth” doesn’t it?
Hate to mention it, but if they defecate do, they also fornicate? They have to multiply somehow, I guess. Forget I said that.
Well, now that you are done gargling with peroxide, let’s talk about the mouth for a bit. Yes, it is a foul thing, for what it has in it and what comes out of it, but aren’t you glad you have it? The alternative is unspeakable, maybe a hole in the throat where you could pour your blended burger and fries, so a few billion bacteria don’t sound so bad.
In case you need help with dieting, a one-minute kiss burns 26 calories. You might want to keep an oxygen bottle handy if you decide to do that though.
It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 to frown. Not sure how they did the research for that.
It is also hard to go through a day without making some mouth related remark. “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth” and “It came straight from the horse’s mouth” are a couple that pop up quite often, even though I have little use for them. If I looked a horse in the mouth, I would be sure to get bitten or stomped and even if a horse could talk, I wouldn’t have believed a word he said. I’ve never enjoyed peering into their Cyclopean rear ends when I have been stuck behind a horse trailer in traffic so couldn’t take one seriously.
A mouth is kind of useless without a tongue. Talking and swallowing would be pretty much out of bounds without one. They are kind of amazing besides being useful.
They have eight muscles and are the only group of muscles that don’t need bones to move. The bumps on the tongue are like a condominium for bacteria, a perfect place to hide and do their business, one of which is creating bad breath. Brush your tongue!
The mouth is moistened with a liter of saliva a day. Some guys, mostly baseball players, seem to spit out triple that.
There is an interesting saying used in northern England to describe a pushy, overbearing person. They say he is “all mouth and trousers”, and while I don’t understand it, I kind of like it and will keep it in mind for future reference.
Word of mouth, mouthwatering, frothing at the mouth, cotton mouth, motor mouth, big mouth, watch your mouth, the list goes on and on. it is probably because the mouth is our most indispensable possession and also the one thing most likely to get us into trouble.
Two of my favorite words, piehole and maw, are mouth related. We have all seen a gaping maw that both fascinated and disgusted us, quite often at a sporting event. Yes, our pleasures are not without tribulation, and you can shut your piehole if you don’t agree.
I have a term I use for an exceptionally large mouth. it is “four dog mouth” not to be confused with “three dog night”. It is used in relation to wieners, as in “Good gravy, that woman could bite the ends off of four hot dogs at once on the bun!”
There has been a theory going around for years that a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s. I don’t know if it is true or not, but there are few things to consider if you have any interest in conducting your own survey.
First, most dogs have not scruples when it comes to eating or licking rotten, horrible, stinky things. Also, given the benefit of a limber anatomy, the lucky creatures have access to parts of their body that a human does not.
Then again, next time you go to a pizza parlor check out the clientele. Would you rather have that 280-pound guy who is on his second pitcher of beer and is polishing off an extra-large pie lick your face, or a dog?
I thought so. Bring it on Fido!
Nice work Ken