How to take a hint from a guy…
By James Ashley
In most of our previous columns we’ve discussed how to be successful in your relationships but as we all know sometimes it just doesn’t work and there’s nothing you can do about it. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be. This is the part of relationships we’re all scared of. “The worst he/she can say is no” is just a factually untrue statement and we all know it.
I won’t lie to you: rejection is scary, embarrassing, and dejecting but it’s a necessary risk and a part of life. The best things in life are not free. So how can you minimize the damage you take from rejection?
The biggest step you can take is to get out as quickly as possible when you start to see the signs that he’s not interested. To do that you have to know the signs.
How can you tell when a guy is not interested in you? Honestly for the most part it’s pretty straight forward: does he hang out with other girls more than you? Does he never seek you out? Is he totally oblivious to your flirting? Then chances are he’s not interested.
But there are a few outside cases where these obvious general rules don’t apply and you need to be aware of them, so you don’t throw away something good by accident.
1. The jokes you see about guys being oblivious are rooted in an astonishingly real truth. Guys really do tend to have a below average understanding of human relations (note that this is a huge reason guys need a woman to beat them into shape, more on beatings at a later time). Especially in this age of electronics and screens. If he’s being oblivious but not outright dismissive, maybe give him another chance and know that you might have to be extra patient with him. He’s learning a difficult skill, and you might be his first and only teacher.
2. Guys instinctively know that it’s our job to make the first public move (asking out, etc.) and that is really intimidating. For some guys, paralyzingly so. If you’ve done everything to show him you’re interested and he still hasn’t responded, you might want to take a minute and think about how he acts around you. If he’s really awkward and not his normal self, chances are he likes you a lot but doesn’t have the courage to do anything about it yet. Give him some time if you can spare it, these guys are the ones who’ll stick by you if they ever work up the courage to get there. Also know that you will probably have to give him extra encouragement. Be as approachable and relatable as you can be. You might have to put in most of the work, at least for the first season of this relationship.
3. One last reason a guy might not respond to your flirts even though he likes you is that he feels he’s not ready for a relationship. Oftentimes these are the real keepers. This is a guy who is introspective and self-aware enough to know he’s not perfect and there are parts of him that need to change. In all honesty this is the sort of attitude we should all strive for. We’re imperfect humans. There’s always a part of you that needs to change (not could change, needs to change).
There are generally two types of these guys:
Type 1 – The ones that really do need to change. If you know this is him, back off, give him some time to work on himself, and see if he really is going to change. If so, make sure you get him before someone else does! This is a man who will do what needs to be done for the betterment of himself and those around him.
Type 2 – The ones that want perfection from themselves or close to it. Usually, the only thing that needs to change here is his mind. He needs to realize that perfection won’t be achieved in this life. As long as he makes daily progress he’s doing ok. This can be a tricky one to deal with. You’ve got to find a way to boost his ego a little. Attention and respect are best ways to achieve this especially when he does something embarrassing or stupid (I’m not saying to encourage the stupid behavior just make sure he knows that’s not who he is).
Apart from these exemptions, guys are generally pretty easy to read. If a guy isn’t interested, he won’t actually do anything. It’s the lack of doing that will usually tip you off. As a rule, guys (the ones worth having at least) don’t play hard to get. That takes way too much social intelligence and planning for a guy to carry out successfully.
If he doesn’t respond to your flirting, doesn’t give you any special treatment, and behaves totally normal around you- don’t fret, move on. If he doesn’t want you then you don’t want him. You want a man that needs you just as much and no more than you need him or else strange complications will arise.
Don’t think of it as you losing him but instead, he lost his chance with you. One last word to help you guard against as much heartbreak as possible: As far as you can, try to think about a potential relationship as logically as possible before you let your heart sweep you away. I say this not because I think your heart shouldn’t be involved but only because I know how powerful a heart can be. Don’t give him your most valuable treasure until he’s earned it. This will also help you assess with clear vision whether or not he’s a guy that will guard and treasure you as he should.
With all this in mind you should be able to steer clear of too many cripplingly embarrassing rejections. Mastering these signs won’t just save you time; it will give you the clarity to stop guessing and start choosing the right people.
How to take a hint from a girl…
By Elizabeth Kate
There is something very noble and even slightly adorable about a man giving his all to show a girl that he cares about her. You can just tell when a guy becomes infatuated with a girl. She becomes his focus and he usually doesn’t do a very good job of hiding it. This can be super flattering for a girl to realize that she has been noticed by someone. Especially if it is by someone she has noticed back.
But, on the flip side, becoming the object of affection by someone who a girl is not as interested in can be an extremely uncomfortable experience. Sometimes guys can be incomprehensibly oblivious to this discomfort, which just makes things worse. It is fair to say that girls rarely verbalize these concerns and can at times give very mixed signals about how they are feeling.
But there are some tell-tale signs that she does not think of you the same way you think of her.
If a girl thinks you are something worth giving time and attention to, she will give you time and attention. It never involves waving a flag that says, “I WANT YOU!”, but comes much more subtly.
Usually, you have to give her attention first, but she will often reciprocate if she is interested in you. Don’t be disappointed if she doesn’t reach out first, girls don’t often want to take the wheel when it comes to these matters until they are certain it is what they want and equally as certain it is what you want.
It is possible for a girl to feel neutrally about you. You could be just viewed as a friend. But, if you make it known to a girl that you are interested, she is forced with a choice. Give him a chance or run for the hills? If she doesn’t think of you as a possible suiter, but she doesn’t dislike you, she will most likely treat you as a friend, joke and laugh with you, but not exclusively and not more than she does with anyone else.
If you are someone she does not think of as a possible suiter, and doesn’t dislike you, but finds out you think of her in that way, she will instantly become leery and go to lengths to keep her distance. If a girl seems uncomfortable and fidgety while talking to you, or if she looks for ways to exit the conversation, she may be trying to tell you, “Please stop talking to me.”
Gentleman, a word to the wise, even if your intentions are all honorable, you can make any girl uncomfortable by continuing to pursue her after she has made it clear she isn’t interested in you. Girls typically will try not to hurt a guy’s feelings, so the hints may not always be clear. But often, they are crystal clear if you pay close attention.
Every girl is going to handle a man’s attention differently, so this is not gospel, just merely a general suggestion to the men out there wondering how to know when a girl is not interested in you. In a modern world, the way a girl texts you is a big indicator of how she feels. How does she respond to your texts? When you ask her a question, how many words does she use to answer?
If a girl merely answers your question, especially with just “yes” or “no” and does not ask any follow-up questions, that may not be a good sign for you. If she does not try to further a conversation, but just leaves your joke on read, she may not be interested in talking to you at all. How long does she take to respond? People are busy and sometimes it just takes a while to hear back from someone.
But if your texts seem to consistently get lost in her unread messages, and it takes a consistently long amount of time for her to text you back, you’re probably not high on her priority list. Does she ever text you first? Does she ever text you about things that are unnecessary to communicate about? If she just texts you to tell you something funny she heard, or because something reminded her of you, you are in luck.
But if you are the only one texting in that way, and she never does, she likely rolls her eyes when she sees your name pop up on her phone. A girl will make time for you if you matter to her. If you want to get together with said girl, but she is busy, that is not a dead end.
But if she is busy and does not try to find another time to hang out, she may not be busy at all. If she finds ways to not have time for you, she will not offer you an alternative way to be around her. Girls will seek nearness to you if you have caught their eye. In group settings, they might find reasons to come talk to you or seem to end up near you for no apparent reason.
If you have not caught her eye, you are not on her radar and that will not be happening. On the contrary, if a girl knows you are interested, and does not reciprocate, she may intentionally keep her distance. Inside jokes can be great and hilarious, but incredibly awkward if they fall flat.
If a girl forgets what you think is an inside joke and is confused when you mention it, she most likely has given it about half as much thought as you have. If she doesn’t remember little things about you that you have told her, or even the big things about you, she probably hasn’t been thinking about you except for when she has to. If you attempt to flirt and she tries to end that conversation, she is not thinking of how to get your attention, but rather how to get away from it.
If you find yourself in a situation where a girl is sending the signal that she does not want more than friendship, do yourself a favor and take a step back. If this girl is something you value, you don’t want her to be uncomfortable, and you don’t want to lose her friendship by pushing your luck.
Treating a girl with dignity means backing off if you know it will make her feel more comfortable. If you are unsure of her feelings for you, there is no harm in observing in an appropriate way to get a feel for the situation. And if you are receiving mixed signals after this observation, honesty could be a good policy for you.
This is taking a huge risk and will probably be awkward for both parties, but will spare you embarrassment later and will give her the opportunity to tell you the truth. If you are confident that you are interested in her, and would like to pursue her in a relationship, lay your cards on the table.
Please note that this will go over poorly every time if she is not interested back, so be very mindful of the hints she has been giving you. Girls admire guys who are willing to risk embarrassment to show you how they are feeling, so she may respect you for doing this. But if her answer is no, it is no. If you continue to push, that respect will quickly turn to resentment.
Gentlemen, if your attention toward a lady is not reciprocated, she will not go out of her way for you or to be around you. Sometimes the hints are subtle, but they are worth paying attention to, as you could save yourself the awkwardness of getting rejected, and save the girl of your affections the awkwardness of having to reject someone.
