Beware of Toothworms and Broom Handles by Ken Carpenter

9B.News and ‘Out of Kilter’ presents, ‘Beware of Toothworms and Broom Handles’

By Ken Carpenter

February 27, 2005

Teeth have been an important accessory since cave men first gnawed on a bone. Afflictions of the teeth go back just as far.

Oddly enough, there is evidence that use of dental floss goes back to prehistoric times. Strings of ligament or willow bark were all they had to displace remnants of meat stuck in the teeth, bone sliver toothpicks being a tad on the dangerous side.

I’m sure floss was used to reduce the misery of a tightly lodged hunk of flesh, not to improve dental health. In other words, the same as it is today. Flossing is smart but it is still a pain.

The Chinese, ho hum, were the first to practice most kinds of dentistry. Tooth-brushing with big hair bristles started there, but a big misconception about tooth ailments also started there.

Toothaches were attributed to toothworms in ancient China. Despite the absence of any kinds of worms, that theory held pat throughout the civilized world until 1728. A Frenchman named Pierre Fauchard started complaining then that toothworms did not exist, and lo and behold he was listened to.

Roughly two hundred and fifty years later, my dad decided that the single most important dental tool ever invented was the point file. That landmark date is not registered in any history books.

For those who are not acquainted with the term, a point file is used to file the electronic points in an ignition system for a car of pre-fuel-injection days. There are about four inches long and 3/8 inch wide, designed to grind down a metal surface to improve electrical contact. Dentistry was not considered an option when it was invented.

Dad reached the conclusion that no finer tool was ever devised for smoothing out your choppers. His seemed to be prone to developing sharp edges that could only be dulled by the vigorous application of a grinding apparatus; thus, the point file became his dentist. Luckily, he did not progress to a wood rasp.

Skip forward to 2005 and dad and I are making a trip to Sandpoint to see a doctor (not a dentist). Dad informs me that his false teeth are becoming unbearable, and he needs to point file to shape them to fit.

After requesting that he leave the shaping of his falsies to a professional, a waste of time, I agree to acquire a file for him.

when I enter the store, a pretty lady asks what she can help me find. I begin to giggle, restrain is not my strong point, and I tell her my dad needs a point file to remodel his false teeth.

She soon regains control, only snorting once, and finds me a file. When I get out to the car, dad cackles like a hyena when I tell him the story of my purchase.

His false teeth are a much better fit after his filing, but there is no guarantee that a more productive grinder will not be required in the future.

Luckily his reluctance to go to a dentist does not extend to his need for a proctologist.

I don’t think a chunk of broom handle would have the sensitivity required for a prostate exam.