Out of Kilter presents:
An itis for every day of the week, and the month, and the year
By Ken Carpenter
November 17, 2003
It seems like everybody in the world has an itis of one kind or another. Not only that, but nobody who has an itis is satisfied until they inform the world of it. Every single detail, down to the last little ache at the end of the offending itis.
This creates a whirlwind of itis inspired complaints all over the planet. Even an uncivilized cannibal who has never heard of an itis will have one and be more than willing to expound on it to all of his cringing, filed-tooth cronies.
There is no permanent cure for any itis. Once you get one, you have it for life, for they are more durable than luggage. They have leave for a while, but they’ll be back, flexing their muscles like Arnold.
Bursitis, phlebitis, arthritis, bronchitis, the itis clan has more relatives than the Kennedys and they are twice as pushy.
Many an itis exists that has no proper name but is just as much of an affliction as any other. Let us examine a few of them.
There are a fairly large number of people who, if they only knew it, suffer from an extreme case of faceitis. Some of them join the circus, many more slather on a quarter inch of make-up in an attempt to hide evidence of the itis (Tammy Faye Bakker anyone?) and even more resign themselves to their fate and live out their lives in quiet dignity, ignoring the itis. This itis is commonly referred to as ugly.
The personality of a human is subject to more varieties of itis than any of the more concrete body parts, but unlike the physical brands of itis the personality itis often goes unacknowledged by its owner.
Jerkitis is the most visible personality itis, and it is as common as hemorrhoids in the Teamster’s Unio. It is manifested in many ways, utilizing countless methods, but they all end up accomplishing the same thing, irritation, in mass quantities.
Which brings us to another common ailment. Rumpitis, also renowned as a simple ‘pain in the behind’, is almost always spread by a carrier. These carriers can strike at any time, for they are sufferers of jerkitis and can only find relief by sharing the misery of their existence. They will go to great lengths to accomplish this.
Sneakitis is another personality disorder, but it is one that is not always easily spotted. The infected, who are thankfully not contagious, are masters of the weaselly maneuver and they can often thrive for year before their backstabbing ways catch up to them.
Lipitis is one of the rare conditions that has two possible meanings. Either the affected party has a fat lip from an encounter with a foreign object such as a fist, or the person is famous for spouting off at the lip in a perpetual manner. Either one is accurate.
There is one itis that nobody will admit to having. It is called boobitis and the symptoms of it can rarely be disputed.
If, by your words, actions or appearance, you present others with a reason to believe that you are a hopeless simpleton, then you are cursed with boobitis. I suppose it could also have a second meaning, if for instance Aunt Bertha slammed one of her bosoms in the refrigerator door. She may then be said to be suffering from two forms of boobitis at once.
Hmmmmmm, this might be an opportune moment for me to make my escape.
Lord knows I am no stranger to the itis family, and I haven’t always been shy about sharing any horror tales concerning my particular brands.
This time though, something tells me I should just keep them to myself.
I’m not telling, and you can’t make me.