The Necktie, a Strangler for the Ages
October 2, 2004
I have never been a big fan of getting choked. There’s just something about it that is distasteful, besides the obvious lack-of-oxygen problem.
Not that I was averse to enjoying the guilty pleasure of handing out a few chokings to my younger brother when we were kids. He earned them, and never once turned blue from my gentle ministrations.
One of the most prolonged choking sessions of my life perhaps the only one, took place during two of my three years in the U.S. Army. I was personnel clerk, and as luck would have it, I had to wear a dress uniform for most of my enlistment.
That involved wearing a necktie, the most useless and uncomfortable piece of clothing ever invented, and a very accomplished choker by any definition. My Adam’s apple still cringes at the thought of a Wellington knot.
The world’s first tie was probably a gooseneck worn by a caveman to impress his newest sweetie. Not long enough to actually tie a knot, it would have also been the first clip-on, attached with a sliver of bone.
A necktie of sorts was worn as a fashion accessory in China in 221 B.C., but it lost favor and did not regain popularity again in that country until the 20th century.
Around 100 B.C. another form of a tie became popular in Rome. The Romans were given to belting out a long windy speech at the drop of a hat. This fondness for oratory prompted somebody to decide that warm vocal cords would be more effective for prolonged speaking, thus they started wrapping their throats.
This fad caught on with the military, which wore them for a while until common sense prevailed.
About 1660 A.D. a crack regiment of Croatian soldiers started wearing neckties, and they were soon kicking the stuffing out of everybody they faced. This is easy to understand, the choking from the ties no doubt irritated them so much they had to take it out on someone.
King Louis XIV of France happened to eyeball the grumpy Croatians in a parade one day and it was all downhill from there. He loved the tie look, and in a very short time every upper-class citizen in Europe were wearing them.
They never left, and it seems to me people have been growing ever more aggravated through the centuries. You choke anyone long enough and they are bound to start losing their patience. Their common sense probably takes a beating too; lack of oxygen will do that every time.
The bowtie came along in the 1700’s and it because set for life in 1886 when some idiot Frenchman invented the tuxedo. The bowtie is my favorite for two good reasons.
Number one; it is so ridiculous looking that I know I will never have to wear one. Of course, there is a good chance I will never wear any kind of tie again anyway.
Number two; big flashy bowties are a vital part of any good clown’s costume. They look natural perched under a large, red, rubber nose.
I think that is the perfect and most sensible use for the bowtie or any other tie.
Gee, Halloween is just around the corner.
Maybe I was too hasty in saying I will never wear another tie.