Out of Kilter – by Ken Carpenter

I have nothing to say this week it might be said that having nothing to write about never stopped me before. It might also be said that one person’s nothing is another person’s something. Nothing is America’s favorite pastime; reliable window surveys have shown that 91.5% of all Americans between the ages of eight and 80 will do nothing before anything.

Nothing will never disappoint you or give you that hollow feeling of having accomplished something. Nothing is fat-free. Sometimes the act of doing nothing can be a magnet to blubber causing agents, but the nothing itself is delightfully free of everything.

My kids always complain that they have nothing to do. Then I say, if they don’t find something to do, I can find plenty of work for them to do. At that time, they immediately start doing something which appears to me, remarkably like nothing.

Nothing is free so they say, and maybe that is why it is so popular. Human beings will wait in line two miles long on hot pavement to get one free sock, so you know if they can get free nothings for no effort at all, they will jump on it. People will say there is nothing they wouldn’t do for so-and-so. Then guess what they proceeded to do. Exactly nothing for them every chance they get.

“Nothing ventured nothing gained” and is another bright saying we could all do without. I mean duh Ralph, did I really need those words of wisdom to figure out that nothing plus nothing equals nothing? “Nothing works around here,” is a famous wifely expression which you translate by substituting her husband’s name and never for the word nothing. The husband might also be called “good for nothing” which is not entirely accurate because nothing is actually what he is good at not for. Well, maybe it does fit after all.

Shakespeare wrote play called “Much Ado About Nothing.” It was actually much ado about numerous nothings, which may have added up to something, except for all the people doing nothing. It is said that some folks will whisper sweet nothings in another person‘s ear when they are feeling romantic. What I’d like to know is what is so passionate about nothing and what kind of boob would describe it as sweet? Taste buds do not detect nothing.

“Nothing doing” is a common phrase which seems to be completely backward if somebody wants you to do something and you really do not want to. It would be more precise to say doing nothing. Of course, you would sound like a Dorcas Malorkus, but that might get rid of them too.

Nothing on his mind could be the catchphrase of the 90s. They seem to be variable hordes of people running around with absolutely nothing going through their brain at any given moment. In fact, that sounds kind of good to me right about now, so I think I’ll go watch some TV. They don’t call it the boob tube for nothing.